Sixty-four steps of staircases, on the fourth floor, I sat next to the window in my mother’s kitchen one early winter morning in the year 2018…
I took a sip of my freshly brewed cup of coffee with almond milk… And looked out of the window… The huge rock mountain was glittering. For the first time in my life, I did not wander off… I did not have that deep longing to be anywhere else… I was home where I needed to be… I was home within myself! I don’t know how else to describe this feeling… It’s not happiness, not joy, It’s not pleasure it’s not having your sh!t together! No, it is peace. Inner peace.
At the same time, in real-time! I had given up a huge part of myself, I had lost all my belongings some of which had sentimental value to me… All my savings were taken, I was jobless, with nondegree qualifications, divorced, with undiagnosed health issues, a mother of 2 who lived with her mom…
Yet here I was, finally falling into place with myself!
Someone walked into the kitchen, I didn’t turn to look, but I remember telling them this: huuno (dear) for the first time in my life, I don’t wish to be anywhere else but here.
You see, this was a big deal to me… I am that girl who survived by daydreaming… Getting lost in fiction stories and magical worlds to make the days go. Even before I learned to read when fun for girls like me was throwing five tiny rocks up to the sky and catching them in the palm of my hand, even then it wasn’t unusual for me to drift off… A stone would hit me in the head to wake me up for taking a mental hike in mountains I had seen in movie scenes. I have always wanted to be anywhere else but here… Anyone else but me. And here I was finally falling into place with myself.
Today I cherish every part of myself.