Marban ku dhuftay… The line between sanity and insanity was pretty slim… I crossed over one day. I’ve heard of women who walked out of their houses without clothes! These weren’t nudists by choice but by force. They had gone mad. They had lost it! Well, I never thought that I one day would be one of those women. I wasn’t suffering from some type of mental illness… I was made crazy. Google «crazy-making»
Crazy making is a form of emotional abuse involving things such as mind games, intended to make you question yourself. It destabilizes your confidence and slowly allows the other person to gain more control over you and the relationship.
There are a lot of things that happen behind closed doors in a domestic abusive/violent household. And crazy-making is one of the main dishes the abusive party serves along with much other ill-treatment.
I crossed the line to insanity two times… Once I walked out of the house bare feet, it was Winter I was in my undergarments. Both times I snapped out of it because my will to live was stronger than my will to give up. alhamdulillah ala kuli hal.
I have been told that I was broken and good for nothing… That my childhood trauma had effed me up so bad that if I thought how I was treated was wrong that it was due to my childhood trauma. When I left and saved us. I was told it was also due to my childhood trauma. Biiih, please!!
If my childhood trauma is to blame for anything it is, tolerance! I tolerated so much cruelty and ill-treatment for so long! When I should have tolerated none whatsoever.
The good news is… What I used to do… The shit I used to tolerate… Who I used to think I was… All that has changed!! Baby, I am a brand new girl! I know my worth today. Eleleleleelelelele(sound of joy)
Having PTSD does not mean you are crazy! Or deserving of poisonous “love” that is not loved! No-no-no. I don’t care how good someone has been to you on their “good” days! If someone belittles you, humiliates you, and blames you for their wrongdoing! That is not love! If they have ever beat you, slapped shoved, or threatened to harm you, no matter how mad they are that is not love! Love doesn’t use your life experiences as a weapon by reminding you of the painful parts you shared coz you trusted them. Love does not harm you in any way shape or form.
My dear, madness isn’t far-fetched… If we let it, life and people will take us there. Remember your worth! Your value! You are valuable! Your essence, your being does not lose its worthiness to external conditions. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from you. Pretty please believe that and say it to yourself every time you see your face and in your reflection.