The other day I was at a session with this therapist. Before our meeting, I had answered a bunch of questions online that would help her understand/evaluate my mental state.
“You scored below the normal,” she said… According to the list and their profession of course… Scoring below the average was a cause for concern… It usually indicates that the patient answers in a manner of how they think they should answer… Rather than being forthcoming.
“it says, you have zero depression”… I don’t feel depressed I said. All though I have some flashbacks I have good coping mechanisms I said. Hmm, she was trying to understand the result… I thought about the questions… Yes, I had answered honestly. She studied me with curiosity. I had a mask on, it was mandatory. She would look at my hands… Ah, Somalis and their hand gestures when they talk eh?! “if I take these polls and ask the average Norwegians to answer it’s expected a higher rate of depression…” she said looking into my eyes. Well, I don’t know what else to tell you other than the fact that I answered the questions truthfully I said.
Not only do I get sad, but I also schedule a good crying session… Now and then. I have a good relationship with my sorrow. I don’t run from it, I embrace it. I don’t drown it nor do I dwell in it… I let it be. I feel it. Then I let it pass through… Sometimes my sorrow lingers and latches to my chest… Then it slowly fades to the background. All this while I laugh and drink coffee. I take life as it comes at me. One day at a time. One hour at a time. And when my past pays a visit I take out my toolbox. Write it out, paint it out, sing or dance, pray or binge on series. If nothing else helps I step into a safe room within myself… Keeping trouble at arm’s length. Dissociate a bit… No matter what life goes on and so must I.
“You are what we call hardy personality”, she said after a while. Hardy personality? I have google that, I said!. It was the first time I heard of that… “Hardy/hardiness” she went ahead and explained to me that some people have good physical immune systems while some have good mental immune systems. And that I was the latter. Yeah clearly physically my immune system is crap! (Life with chronic illness and what-not) but apparently, I have a good psychological immune system… Not only that it is genetic! wow! What delightful news haha
I have experienced people, doctors, therapists asking me “what do you do? How do you remain so positive and joyful?” they study, analyze me to understand me. Some people even went as far as to call me “fake” she must be fake, no one can be this jolly often! Ha!
Well, alhamdulillah thank God for the good physiological immune system. The hardiness the hardy personality. That says the show must go on. No matter what, we will keep on living, loving, laughing, mourning, crying, living again.