Surviving a narcissist

the other day I was having a conversation with a lady. We talked about many things and we got to the part of romantic partners in our lives, or the lack of it, in my case. I told her that I like to admire my crushes from a far, and how I can’t see myself under the same roof with someone else than my kids and family anytime soon. “but, you are letting them win” she said… am I? am I letting them win? or are we not putting a time frame into how long a person is allowed to grief, or spend time to “get over” a situation. I wanted to say “biiiih, what do you know about Domestic abuse?” but ofcourse I didn’t. instead I said, “really? you think so?”
“yeah, you should marry again and take risk with love” she said. I take risk with love everyday, when I write about it. I thought to myself. hehe, I will write about love and heartbreak, but I know better. I hope I know better….

It started slow… I didn’t realize how bad things were until I was out and detoxing from their poison. It starts so subtly… The gaslighting… It’s a slow process of driving you insane! Making you doubt whatever you see or feel! To the point, you can’t trust yourself to buy groceries… You do everything but and yet nothing you do is enough or right. It’s not a stranger or an outsider… It’s someone you love and trust! The process of picking you apart continues. You are sleep-deprived! They pick a fight right around bedtime… If they don’t pick a fight that night, You are woken up past midnight, they want to argue with you… It is nothing important really, it’s about something like, “you forgot to take out the laundry” and the arguments go from laundry to everything that is wrong with you. Kids wake up, you change diapers you feed them. Now it’s 4 am, the one who woke you up to argue has fallen asleep! Like nothing happened. You can’t sleep, your heart is pounding, sleep-deprived. You can’t think straight. You stay awake. 6 am kids are awake. You stumble around to get them ready for kindergarten.

the cycle continues… The mission is to drive you insane day after day… To discard you… Or end you if you don’t decide to end yourself. They won’t ever leave you… Not until every drop of life and joy is sucked out of you! That is what a narcissist does…

To think it won’t have effects on my current state is to mock my survival…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: