In denial? Or in grief? Or both?!
In medical terms, someone who has health conditions that cause disabilities. ( a disabled person) dynamic disability. An ambulatory wheelchair user. And it is terrifying!
Life with chronic illnesses/auto-immune diseases doesn’t seem to change my desire to live a good life! The fatigue and the flare-ups put me in a “wait it out”, period. I am always waiting for the fatigue to ease, or the pain to lessen. And while I’m waiting out, I am showing up for my kids. School, kindergarten I’m there. Dreams time turn. Some days, I write. Some days I am dreaming about writing. Ah, the stories I want to tell. The magical creatures, the love stories, and inter worldly relations I want to write about… The chronically ill super villain haha can you imagine? He wants to destroy things, but he needs to nap in between battles. Haha, When will it happen? Can I do this? Do I need to identify myself as a disabled person? Why am I having such a hard time accepting it?! I am unashamed to film myself on my wheelchairs/walking sticks. Unashamed? YES, ok with it? It depends… Some days, yes, I am ok with it. It’s what it is. Other days, I am pissed af,! I am pissed at my body not cooperating with me. And that it has limits. Just like my phone, I run out of energy. Unlike my phone, I don’t wake up fully charged. Ever not in years.
And yet… I know I am worthy and valuable. Ah, that might be it, perhaps, some part of me is afraid that being disabled would mean I am worthy of lesser things… Less love. Less respect, less good things happening. And therefore I “should,” settle for lesser things in life!!
On the other hand, I don’t believe disabled people deserve anything less! I can see and appreciate them for who they are. Beyond their limitations.
It’s a battle, I have just learned to love myself. All of me, and carry me and my story with respect. I used years to learn to love myself. Now I have to learn to love myself again this time with chronic illness.
Whoa, I think I have just reflected myself into clarity. Ah… Now I will ponder upon this disclosure…