I am tired! It’s chronic ah, I am starting to dislike that word “chronic” but it is also the only word that can summon up my health issues. Chronically ill, as a never-ending always an ongoing thing. Ish… Why can’t I be chronically cute? Hehe, I mean come on… My life is, ~ make through the day Muni, tomorrow will be there. I have become good at taking one day at a time, a matter of fact on my worst days, it’s one hour at a time. I am in pain every day and when the pain eases I am fatigued. I can’t do two things at once like I used to. Ah, those were the days when I could multitask and create art. Even phone calls and texting has become things that wear me off. Dude, I’m tired exhausted all the damn time! To give you a picture: I lay in bed half-dressed coz I am exhausted, I am resting my hand and taking breaks in-between applying the mascara. I.take.breaks.when.applying.mascara. that’s how tired I am!
My son says “mom, you don’t need to put on makeup every day,” and he is right especially since my outgoings are for grocery buying, dropping his younger brother to kindergarten, and watching him play soccer. It is all about the kids activities. But even when I’m home alone, I like to look good for my tired eyes. I am sick but at least I look fine. I say to myself and crack a joke.
House chords take a turn. You can’t expect clean clothes and folded laundry in the same week ok. Haha anyway here is what I do. I am self-aware. I know my limits and when I’m in a lot of the pain so it starts to affect my mood, I tell my kids. “I am not mad at you baby, mommy is just in a lot of pain.” if nothing else, my tongue is peaceful my mind is also. And if I get pissed which I do, I try to be clear about why. At the end of the day, my body has issues. And so does my mind by the way. Haha, I am talking about brain fog, words coming out wrong. Speech troubles, memories taking off. The on and off anxiety. But all that is my shit. No one else has to deal with my shit but I do. The day I realized this, life changed for me! We cant dump our shit on people and expect them to make us feel good. And good about ourselves. We must deal with our shit and make peace with our shit. And love our shit coz it is ours. See, I am my own home my shitty self is worthy and valuable to me. No matter what is happening outside, my responsibility is to keep my inner self at peace. I am tired, and I have dreams and goals to achieve. Yepp, don’t know how! Haha. But I know for sure in-between the exhaustion I will give birth to stories and books. And poems and art. No matter how long it takes me. One page at a time baby.
What about you darling? What is holding you back from doing what you love?