Dug this one from the drafts(after divorce)

Anger my fuel…

I am ashamed to admit this but yeah, anger fuels me… Not always but at times like this. Today my ex called me… How are you doing? do you miss me? – I am fine I said, and no, I don’t miss you. The truth is I Don’t miss him… I do miss though the role I had… I miss the home we made. or I made to be truthful.

I miss being a wife, and then having someone besides my kids to think about… not once did it dawn on me that I could think of myself… No, I thought of him… I made dinner and waited for him to come home… since our kid was just a baby and I was breastfeeding, I was staying a home mom. I dropped off my toddler at the kindergarten, picked him up… well you know all the stuff mommies do. I waited for my then-husband to come home up to 10 pm after that I had to sleep… met him at the door, kissed him… you know the usual…

but I do not miss him, him.

He was not good to me.

He was mentally, emotionally, physically abusive.

and now today when I said NO I don’t miss you… He told me all the ways that I was a loser. He said 10 years, you have been in this country, what did you do? oh my God. he knows how much that hurts me… Anger being my fuel I did what I do best when angry. I cleaned the house. Everywhere looking for dirt to scrape away as if his hurtful words could be washed away by the force of my hand washing doorknobs clean. With a clenched jaw, I cleaned until my wrists reminded me that I have a compromised immune system. Now I can’t walk nor can I lift a glass of water. My arthritic wrists feel as if they are detached from my skin.

โ€œwhat did you do all this time?โ€ meaning, you did not achieve material things…

oh let me see, I was traveling the world searching for a piece of my soul… I was in search of a way to make sense of the madness.

Update

The above was something I wrote 2 and a half years ago!

I am now happy with my life and content. Alhamdulilah. I don’t miss the role of being a wife anymore as I have gotten used to this life of having my peace and alone time. I am in fact on the other end of the scale… I can’t see myself living under the same roof with someone else besides my kids๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ’œ and that is perfectly fine. I will take all the time I need to feed myself all the love I gave away, while I starved myself.

I don’t regret being the wife I was for it brought me joy! I don’t regret anything I did for the sake of love and commitment. However, now I know my worth and that anyone who truly values me will treat me with the utmost respect. Coz I’m worth it(so are you my dear) ๐ŸŒป #thehealinggeneration #womanunderconstruction

Published by Muni_Mar

Heloooow and mahadsanid(thank you) for visiting my blog. I'm Munimar(combo of my two names) I'm a mother of two darling boys, a Creative soul, lover of Coffee & Kindness. I am a survivor and it's my mission to inspire and encourage my fellow survivors. Say hi๐Ÿ˜Š

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