Anger my fuel…
I am ashamed to admit this but yeah, anger fuels me… Not always but at times like this. Today my ex called me… How are you doing? do you miss me? – I am fine I said, and no, I don’t miss you. The truth is I Don’t miss him… I do miss though the role I had… I miss the home we made. or I made to be truthful.
I miss being a wife, and then having someone besides my kids to think about… not once did it dawn on me that I could think of myself… No, I thought of him… I made dinner and waited for him to come home… since our kid was just a baby and I was breastfeeding, I was staying a home mom. I dropped off my toddler at the kindergarten, picked him up… well you know all the stuff mommies do. I waited for my then-husband to come home up to 10 pm after that I had to sleep… met him at the door, kissed him… you know the usual…
but I do not miss him, him.
He was not good to me.
He was mentally, emotionally, physically abusive.
and now today when I said NO I don’t miss you… He told me all the ways that I was a loser. He said 10 years, you have been in this country, what did you do? oh my God. he knows how much that hurts me… Anger being my fuel I did what I do best when angry. I cleaned the house. Everywhere looking for dirt to scrape away as if his hurtful words could be washed away by the force of my hand washing doorknobs clean. With a clenched jaw, I cleaned until my wrists reminded me that I have a compromised immune system. Now I can’t walk nor can I lift a glass of water. My arthritic wrists feel as if they are detached from my skin.
“what did you do all this time?” meaning, you did not achieve material things…
oh let me see, I was traveling the world searching for a piece of my soul… I was in search of a way to make sense of the madness.
The above was something I wrote 2 and a half years ago!
I am now happy with my life and content. Alhamdulilah. I don’t miss the role of being a wife anymore as I have gotten used to this life of having my peace and alone time. I am in fact on the other end of the scale… I can’t see myself living under the same roof with someone else besides my kids😅💜 and that is perfectly fine. I will take all the time I need to feed myself all the love I gave away, while I starved myself.
I don’t regret being the wife I was for it brought me joy! I don’t regret anything I did for the sake of love and commitment. However, now I know my worth and that anyone who truly values me will treat me with the utmost respect. Coz I’m worth it(so are you my dear) 🌻 #thehealinggeneration #womanunderconstruction