Today I felt utterly like I have failed! In life! I am self-aware and I know my triggers… But today I discovered a new toxic trait… Apparently, I punish myself when things out of my control happen that I think I should have control over… I didn’t realize this before, but now I do…
So let’s start healing and unlearning this toxic trait too ✨🌷
The conversation in my head went like this..m
• You have failed in life Muni!
• You have disabilities…(and so? When and where did I order autoimmune diseases in the mail? Right? Why do I feel guilty for being chronically ill?)
• You are a divorce(so what? right? Would you have rather stayed in domestic violence abusive relationship?)
• if you had waited with having kids until you healed from your old wounds your kids would have a healthy stable father/father figure! (The fuck? Who am I? A mind reader? You never know who someone is or what they are capable of. Why should I feel guilty for whom I fell in love and married? What about qadr? Destiny and faith? So why do I feel bad? Sure being a single parent isn’t easy but it’s doable.)
• Muni you are a failure! (How though? By whose standards?)
• delete all social media( aha now that’s my choice of self-punishment. ) I realized that.
Listen healing isn’t linear. I am proud of how far I have come.
My sons are lucky to have me as a mother(let me toot my horn) and I am blessed to be their mother🙏🏾🙌🏾 They deserve all the love I can give them. And I am giving them my all. They are happy and healthy🙏🏾 And I dedicate this journey to us. By healing and being kind to myself I can be the best I can be for them.
It’s how society is built that we measure our success.
Success to me is healing myself and being a member of society that contributes to it. Now when I get to give I start feeling good. I guess it’s how we are wired. We all desire to give, contribute.
I am in the process to do just that.
I am not a failure I am a surviving thriving one hell of a woman! ✨
And no more punishing myself and removing what I enjoy and love from my daily experience. However, I will take a break from social media. And tend to my inner. Music, dance, art, reading to my boys. Etc. 🌷🍁🌻🌱 we are all right. We are dandelions we always find a way to bloom baby.