Deep-rooted ache

There is an ache deep inside my heart a deep-rooted pain I can’t seem to reach the end of it or the root to it so I may yank it out. 

It has ties with unheard cries of a child

Uninvited pains from grownups laying on us.

This ache deep inside my soul has made war my father and refuge my mother.

It’s a black hole deep inside my soul 

If this pain could speak it would sound like loud echos coming from empty indoors parking lot. 

It’s like fearing for your life, walking fast with keys in your hand, looking over your shoulder wondering if a robber is watching you. And you wish it’s your gold they are after and not the treasure you carry beneath your waist. 

For it is not something they can take without forcing your soul and peace out of your own body as they force their way into your body 

But they can’t live inside your body so they eventually leave 

Evacuating a vessel behind

now

A war starts within you.

You become alien to yourself hating yourself…

Now your soul can’t adapt to live with your shattered self-image.

It’s like they didn’t just compel peace out of your essence they also injected a toxin within you.

Self-hatred is a disastrous kind of war. For where does one find rest when their own mind replays awful memories? 

Was it something I had done? Did I speak too softly? Was I rude? Did I sit wrongly or did he mistake my laughter for an invitation to invade my space? Was it something I ate? What did I do? What about me said “it is fine to go ahead and take whatever you like? Discard the cries and the horror in my eyes”

A deep rooted ache…

A war took my father and made us refugees but now I am on the run from myself looking for a place to lose my head a bit without somebody trying to make me their bed willy nilly…

This ache you see is deep beyond my reach

Like an empty well, a black hole that sucks up joy and life purpose… Why me? Why. Me?

“Get over it, let by go be bygone…” But I have learned that the only way to live with the past is by taking a walk through it. And making peace with it.

************************************

Rape does not attack the body only. It attacks the soul and the mind. Like I said they force your peace and sense of worth out of you when they push themselves in you.

But there is no escaping me. Or the memories…I carry myself where ever I go… There is nothing else to do but make peace with myself. I have tried to go… Like they did… Step outside my vessel and leave it behind… Cuts on my wrist thoughts of ways to sleep and never wake up.

I have Prayed for better body to host my soul. cuts on my wrist,or pinching myself hard to feel anything else, but… The thought of going to sleep and never wake up… All that just to evacuate my body.

A deep-rooted ache… They start a war in you but only you can make peace with your soul. Teach Yourself how to live with You. how to love yourself.

How to love yourself. With all the cracks and burn marks in you. You carry yourself, with love, Simply because you are worthy.

We are valuable. Nothing can ever make us be less worthy. The war is ongoing. But now we know how to live with it. And for the record, there is nothing I had done there was nothing you had done. We didn’t ask for it.

This ache is deep-rooted, but now I have managed to make a room for it. I build a room for it in my soul, I let me cry, grief get furious then calm down. It is part of me. But it will never be me. Hear me? I said my deep-rooted ache is part of me. But I am not it.

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