And so I live

Trigger warning this might trigger trauma so go and take care of You if You aren’t in a good state of mind. Be good to You and take care beautiful soul πŸŒΊπŸ™πŸΏπŸ¦‹

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“if you had read the holy Qur’an, like I told you to, this wouldn’t have happened. ” said the voice through the phone. And like the coward i am unable to standup for myself, I turned my cellphone off.

And cried laying in bed for days. The per usual. Far from everyone i loved in a basment apartment alone. I waited to vanish away.

Was it true? Did I not pray enough?… But those who robbed us prayed and read the holy Qur’an too. What does that mean?

Robbers = rapists.

My ears turned off and my heart closed off to the holy words. I was 13 years old with a knife. And instead of pointing the knife on robber nr 3, I was pointing it on me. Why wouldn’t i? All i knew so far was of pain. My vessel was made to be harmed. Children don’t do what you tell them they do what you show them. I was shown how less of a being i was, at the age of 4 and something when the first robbery happened.

“if I kill myself i will go to hell, and my siblings will be alone with this monster” he was supposed to protect us, instead he was the snake in the house eating you alive.

“if I kill myself i will go to hell, and my siblings will be alone with this monster”

So I put the knife away.

I started existing.

I was unable to pray 5 times. And believe in God the way i did before. Told you my heart closed did I not?

I fainted far too many times (panic attacks) I had “demons” beat out of me few times. The Sheikh’s order. “she faints because she has an evil spirit in her” unfortunetly anxiety or panic attacks were unfamiliar terms in our communities back then. I drank water contianing spits and holy words.

And perhaps they were right, I might have had an evil eye cast upon me or a jinn. But they diagnosed my illness wrong.

I was a walking talking gaint effects of the robberies. Namely, PTSD, traumatized, suicidal… All effects of being robbed of your vessel. Your most sacred place to live in. My inner peace was Disturbed beyond repair.

If your house start burning (god forbid) and you can’t control the fire, you run out right? You save You. (You were alone in the house don’t worry no cat or dog was harmed in picturing this scenario.:)

But How can one move out or run out of their own body?

A rape survivor often wonders this… But it is not only the body the vessel that is robbed. It is the mind, the spirit of the survivor. The younger the survivor the more this trauma takes part into shaping them. An act like this tells You “You are nothing, you don’t matter and there is noone No one to save You.” we scream, we cry for a help that never came.

I was unable to Believe and surrender to God. Why? I was not special. Neither was i cursed to go through that. I was not alone unfortunetly it is more common than we like to think. There are many souls robbed out of their vessels existing amongst us.

We have heard the tales of grown men raping little girls without breasts. With No consequences. The days before social media. And a cellphone to capture and expose the evil doers. Those days girls were given away to their rapist. “please marry her and hide our shame.” those families did not know better. They should have but they did not. All though i was not alone in being a surviror. I felt alone in being a doubter.

An aunty i once told about what happened to us, said “my child, it is your test in this Dunya, in this world that you were born a woman. God is testing your faith in him. Just endure your destiny.”

For a robbed child that was not comfort. In fact it just made me more curious about the intentions of my Creator.

I was full of Questions and was met with judgement. I was, I am left-handed. And a robbed girl. The robberies did not only break my inocence, they took away my voice, my self Worth. They planted dead seeds… Questions… Why did God allow this to happen to us? (insert the war /father got killed/ the refuge/ the first robbery /the Things a child’s eye witnessed/ the escape/the second robbery… )

Lost, confused, Broken.

Fast forward i spent a decade in Churches. Ow yeah, I did. I sang and blindly belived. It was my way to find meaning in my life.

But men. Oh entitled men and their greed. To take what is not theirs to take. But also oh ye broken and hurt women who attract hurt men who hurt.(effects of the robberies) A saying goes Something like this “better the devil you know than an angel You don’t know.” sick and effed up i know, but then again i was effed up. Hense – a woman under Constraction.

Needless to say i was beat up madly, but this time his fists were like a hammer nailing me together. The blows on my head sent me back. Back to the first robbery and back to the present. I was 4 and something then back to 28. Then suddenly i was reminded of who i was.

I was the descendant of Raqda a Great woman a fighter.

If only you knew the power there is to fetch from our foremothers.

Greedy Men sent me out of my being into a living corpse state-of-mind. Great Women restored me back to myself and awoke me.

Everything happens for a reason, I became free.

I found Great Love within me.

And it pleases my being to study the women and men i Come from and draw strength by learning about who they were. And forgiveness by understanding them through our stories.

My foremothers prayed, read the Qur’an and painted their fingers with red henna. They roasted Coffee and drank it with their naighbours. Under my Great grand mother’s roof, sat women of different faith and herritage as they ate on the same plate.

Dear Ayeeyo,

My mother still fights for women’s right. She fight against FGM.

I am a woman under Constraction to become the best version of me. Mostly for that little girl i once was.

But also for my kids, for my mother. My family. My community.

This world has it better with me in it. I have so much to share with it. So many trees i want to plant in it.

I also learned that it truly isn’t the faith, it is the man. A human with a wicked heart can turn that which is Good and pure into poison. Instead of spreading love, they plant dead seeds into inocent beings.

I once thought I was dripping dirt because of the robberies and the effects they had on and in my life.

turns out I am dripping gold.

I said a prayer and sent it out to the universe. Ilahow i caffi, Ilahow i caawi, Ilahow i caafi.
Help me, forgive me, heal me.

Alhamdulilah

Grateful

What ever You believe in, choose to also Believe ln Goodness. Do good. Be kind always to yourself and to others.

At last i think what will happen will happen and what won’t, won’t.

I choose to love everyday, rest and despair some days. Get back up and smile Anyway. Life doesn’t stop living even if we did for a little while. And so I live.


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Thank You for taking time to read this. Be blessed. πŸ˜ŠπŸ™πŸΏπŸŒΊπŸŒ»

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