Why

But Why?

Why can’t you forgive?

because you disclosed rotten seeds within me…

Some I thought I could hide with thick kajol liner and dark lips.

Some I learned to shelter behind, the glasses…

The worst of them all

you unveiled cracks I wasn’t aware of…

Now look what you got me doing?!

To the surface they all came One after another… ” Fix me fix me fix”

Naked and transparent

Here we go…

Another pile of dirt, dead seeds, poisonous thoughts decorated with toxic behaviors tied in a bow called beauty…

So much to be done so much to unlearn…

One

~ The Mountain  

  • The VIP room I know to lock myself in and check-out of arguments, heated conversations and situations once in a while… Count 3. 2. 1. Dam/ zam. The lights GO OFF. Where my Eyes used to be now they are Stone cold. Heart ice cold. Ears hear, but they don’t transfer anything to me. Your voice and grunts are like a distant echo. Curse all you want it is not a wall you are talking to, but Mountain.

Disclosed ~ I know how to be (Numb to Curses and ill treatment.)

I had forgotten How to cry… How can one wash dirty laundry with out water? See I could not cry with you from The start I was The strong One… One time you saw me cry and lost your shit…”but, but Muni who is going to look after the kids?” you scratched your head arms raised over your head as if my Tears were a gun pointing at you… You didn’t Even Come down… I SWALLOWED my Tears and got myself up. The first and last time I had cried. with you… No Wonder My safe haven turned from a room into a wall into a Mountain. #cry it is #healthy it is #healing

Two

~ The Iron arms

  • The second wave after the vip room that turned into the mountain. I have the Iron arms around my neck telling me to stop loving so deep. Too late but let him not come any closer through the cracks chase him away ” Well then go… Go ahead and leave.”

~ Exposed I know how to push People away.

Darn you, I was in a blissful denial… Now I can’t ignore that… Look all the work I have got!

Three

~ The Dragon within me

~ this one Will n e v e r happen again

But it happened…

I b e g g e d

Please don’t go, I will be anything you want… I Will peel off all the layers to me. Until my inner self becomes as thin as our infamous Somali legs …

by this I had co signed to all that came next…

I was willing to foster you too… Not to expect anything or hold you accountable… Just stay. The ring The title was far Greater than my peace… just stay I can’t stand being alone with myself(did not say it out loud) but did I have to? I was begging you was I not?
I was so afraid of loneliness I had written somewhere… any pain but loneliness so hello darkness.

I had learned in my late teens that when I was alone with myself… I was free to talk to myself… and I did not have good things to say… the mind replayed horrific scenes… the heart ached for the love it did not receive… the vessel cooked in self hatred. I truly had nothing good to say to me about me…

so I kept the heart so busy in love so the mind had no time to speak…

so I begged…you the second ring bearer… I stayed when curses turned into Holy verses misused…

I had left the religion I was born into… my 13 year old heart closed off and refused to believe in the same god of The Robbers. The snake in the house eating you alive… I heard he swore on the holy Book and swore and they believed him… but that is a tale for another time…

My 20 year old walked out on her fam for the sake of her new faith she had… for the only thing that kept me alive was it and the fear of going to hell had I chosen to sleep and never wake up…

so what? what made you think that I would stay with you on the long run? are you mad?

The game changed when words turned into a few times your hands escaped your body and played boxing match on my body… only I was not aware we were in a boxing ring…

We blamed it on the devil and the green river you quenched your thirst with…
… But…
this one time it was unforgivable…
I had a life in me… You decided to play drums with my head… fists coming at me by speed… it was unfair… I did not see it coming! Such a coward you were… You did a dirty deed. I was going to fight back had you given me a chance.
you did not

and for a moment I saw my life and the options I had… Tamed Broken or deceased… I did not see an end to it.
this one is unforgivable… yet I thank you for it! how effed up must I be? to try and find the reason it had to happen… my effed up mind came up with this…

The first memories I have are traumatic events… at four and something The first Robber found his way to my vessel. And before that I crossed an ocean and saw war unfold… the tales of war do we even need to dig any further?

And so trauma kicking me out of my essence perhaps trauma had to get me back in? does that make sense? No? let me try again…


You know how in movies a leading role character gets in a car crash and the trauma messes them up? they get forgetful and what not. another traumatic things happens and they start to remember who they are… where they are and so on…

aha

Yeah like that…


I had drifted far from myself in time I was just a vessel… I had only one reason to exist for and it was the fear of going to hell if I had decided to sleep and never wake up. all this while I smiled and laughed danced and preached about love and peace. I so bad believed in it all… just not at peace with myself. I was at peace with God. but not myself…

As your fists hit my head… You woke me. I woke up from a long nightmare a long trauma .. it is a real thing. oh yeah, research it…

another story: but also necessary… my 13 year old brain refused to believe in the same god of the Robber…s. therefore I left…

he would swing his belt the metal side front on a kid’s back and tell her go pray… all for the show. While finding his way into my vessel. I have full understanding for my 13 year old self. I will not disrespect her and say she was wrong. No he was. he was wrong in every way and I hope hell has a castle for His kind but that is another story.

what made you think that I would stay with you in the long run?
are you dumb?

back to the last scene and the fists hitting my head like a hammer putting back memories in their place. I did not know who I was.
all of the sudden… I roared. No, really I roared… I am convinced something or someone came down on me… suddenly the poor vessel was big and angry. I threw you off me towards the door you had been blocking.
the Giant you were shrank… sank into his cage.

I call her the Dragon with in me… She saved me,, she saved us.
but sometimes I hate you for bringing her to life.
You did not create her… oh no, she was in the making for 25 years… all the ingredients were in there somewhere deep in my soul but you took a hammer and nailed her together.

she roared… she pushed… she left…

but she peeps out once in a while looking around with smoke coming out of her noise…
~ Discovered I can get furious angry and be consumed by darkness. but I can also fight and will damn fight for myself.

I had to breathe fire and roar for you to respect me… slightly… and that hurts the most… that I. yes I. a l l o w e d you, not those before you, but you to m i s t r e a t me.

I. again damn it. I taught you it was OK to treat me that way. By tolerating… being #toleratingbullshit is dangerous.

~ Admitted that I was self destructive… I was OK with hurting me… but was not aware that it was teaching those around me it was OK to do the same.

in conclusion…
I will forgive you in time…
I am forgiving me too… with each layer I peel off to do a deep cleanse and I put away. I sigh, I cry and I forgive. Cafis…
Ya Rabb…
I pray ~ Ebow ~ i cafi ~cawi oo ii caafi~


I won’t lie and say I love gardening my soul all the time because it is one hell of a job… for I am one hell of a woman ❤ but I can genuinely say … I love me. I love you Muni And why would I not? With all my cracks I am valuable, priceless & indeed I am worthy.

It takes a hell of a woman to say the fallowing and mean it.

I still believe you have goodness in you. Maybe I need to Believe this yet….

Perhaps you spoke love the way you knew it to be. Or perhaps you need more intense care(from your self to yourself) but what I saw in you. The potentially Great man I saw, the brain I fell for is still in there…
and I truly wish you well.

Just be well way over there please.

***

at the end

I want to thank you…
somehow on the bigger picture you were in the plan to help me find me. find the fighter spirit of my foremothers in me.

In the process

I found out

it is not the religion

it is the man…

there are people who take and twist any good act or deed and turn it to dirt and dust. Ugly rotten beings that commit rotten deeds. They dine and drink children’s tears… they are evil and sick. NO really they are SICK. and should be treated accordingly. Do not allow them to roam around us and rotten our new growing garden…

but back to the end…
I believe Every Being deserves love and respect. We are all equally valuable. This was always my truth, but the guts were missing you know… so thank you. I now have the guts to stand tall and claim my truth.

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